Colonoscopies for Everyone!

A colonoscopy is a lot like a 24-hour pregnancy.

Hour One: In the beginning, you think, "Hey, this isn't so bad. I feel fine."

Hour Two: You drink that horrendous cocktail: remember the diabetes test? (I've now added Gatorade to my never-be-able-to-stomach again list--right up there with certain fabric softeners, belgian waffles, brownies in the car, Saltines, 7-Up, and Stouffer's macaroni and cheese.)

Hour Two and a Quarter: The cramping is apocalyptic, there's nausea and vomiting, and the bloating gets worse. You're having serious doubts about every doing this again.

Hour Two and a Third: You're clinging to the toilet: remember how the prenatal vitamins made you go? Oh, it's worse.

Hour Two and a Half: Sphincter control? What sphincter control? Great, now you have to sit on the toilet and throw up into a cup.
Hope you have good aim--from both ends.

Hour Two and Three Quarters: You're hot and sweating. Wait, no, you're wet and cold. Wait, no, you have to go to the bathroom. And you feel fat. If anyone speaks to you, you cry. Hot, cold, potty, hot, cold, potty...

Hour Three: You have to take more meds. You drag yourself to the kitchen but have to stop halfway there to go potty.

Note: Quite unlike pregnancy, you are now peeing from your butt, which is an odd sensation, and since pregnancy is so backwards anyway, this might as well be a part.

Hour Four: You're exhausted, dehydrated, and suffering from a horrendous headache. It hurts to open your eyes, but you can't take any meds for it because they're all on the restricted list. All the clear liquids in the world can't help you, and most make you want to vomit anyway.

Hour Four and a Half: You want to sleep, but by the time you have the cold cloth over your forehead (for the headache) and you get comfortable, you have to get up and go potty. By now, you have hemorrhoids.

Who Knows What Time: You can't wait for morning, but when it gets here, the smell of air makes you vomit--into a cup again while you are sitting on the potty. You have only a little spit and bile left. It tastes awesome.

Morning: You have to drink another fabulous cocktail because you threw up some of the previous one. This one tastes like sweet vomit. Who wants seconds? By now, you're swearing that you'll never do this again.

The Procedure: The nurse hooks you up to an IV. You're begging for the anesthesiologist. The whole time, you're saying to yourself, "Please don't let me poop on the table. Please don't let me poop on the table." But guess what? You poop on the table anyway.

Afterwards, you've lost 7 pounds and feel much thinner, even though you still have a long way to go. The good news is that now you have yet another point of reference to grasp onto next time you meet a challenge: I had a colonoscopy, so this (whatever it may be) will be a piece of cake! Awesome!

Fun with Anal Glands and the Surrounding Anatomy

The dog has trumped it all. It wasn't weird enough that he lost all of his toenails; he had to go the extra mile and develop an infected anal gland. Oh, it was such a fun visit to the vet. She expressed his glands, and lo and behold, the left one was mighty yucky. Bubby was fascinated though, and was quite shocked when the vet went on to examine the dog's "squishy things," a.k.a. testicles. When I reminded Bubby of the correct the name, the vet broke out into hysterical laughter and said she was going to blush. I asked her if she had children (mind you, this discussion is going on while she's palpating the dog here and there), and between giggles, she answered in the negative. I explained that having them makes life so much more interesting by forcing one to utter words not ordinarily uttered in daily conversation, words one had formerly been pretty uncomfortable speaking, especially in public. It's like 5th grade health class all over again. I have recently used the following words: fanny, poopy, butt, toot, booby, nipple, and of course, testicle. Bubby has been asking why girls' boobies get big, but boys have nipples, which don't get big. It's a perfectly innocent question for a 4-year-old boy to ask. Bubby also noted that it would be very strange, and even gross, to have a nipple on one's foot. Recently, he has learned that he doesn't have to button the top buttons of his shirt because he's a man. Furthermore, he doesn't even need to wear a shirt because he's a man. It's good to be a man, unless, of course, you're my dog, who has an infected butt.

Earthquakes

So, yes, we did have a tiny quake the other day. It was so small that a few people reported hearing a noise, and that was about it. Tootsie, Bubby, and I did not notice it at all. My best guess is that I was pouring coffee when it happened, so if there were anything to notice, I should have noticed it. Another big disappointment from New Jersey.

Now, I thoroughly expect our local paper to run a series of articles about disaster preparedness and the fact that we have none. It would be a fabulous fear-mongering piece. What on earth would we do if a true quake rocked our world? Well, in Delaware, we'd all drive really slow (like we do in the rain), brake suddenly for no reason (like we do on the ice), and buy all of the milk and bread the grocery store has to offer (like we do whenever the news tells us a storm is coming). There would be a run on generators and ice. And maybe bubble wrap because people here buy weird stuff for no reason. At least three school districts would seize the opportunity to misappropriate funds. A few legislators would give themselves a raise to adjust their salaries due to the recent approval of state employee paycuts. Finally, everyone would log onto the Internet and search frantically for the scariest articles they can find, and then they'll start diagnosing themselves with all kinds of bizarre diseases because they display several symptoms. It would be the end of the world as we know it, but I'd feel fine because I am not an idiot lemming.


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